Read Part 1 of My End-of-Life Plan: Create a Comfortable Environment
Every great party needs a pregame. For me, vigil sitting would be the ultimate pregame, before the grand finale – my celebration of life (aka funeral)! It will be exclusive – invitations only, and only best behavior allowed. Joking aside, I view vigil sitting as a precious moment for my dearest family members and friends to gather, share laughter, reminisce about cherished memories, and support one another.
Vigil planning is a natural extension of Part I of my End-Of-Life plan, “Creating a Comfortable Environment”, ensuring continued comfort for the dying person. However, it occurs during the Active Dying phase, which requires some adjustments to the environment, care, and visitors.
Ensure Continued Comfort
From a Buddhist point of view, as one transitions from a physical existence to pure consciousness, all senses will first fade and then heighten, and our ability to tolerate stimuli is challenged. Therefore, I wish for the following:
- No unnecessary physical touch. Only medically necessary or care-related touches are permitted. Even with that, please keep it extremely brief and gentle. I love you all, but let’s not turn this into an unsolicited massage session.
- Quietness is of paramount. Ideally, there should be no talking in my room. If unavoidable, it should be kept to a whisper. The two exceptions are my recorded prayers (kept at a low volume) and the designated person reading Bardo Thodol for me during my last moments.
- Lighting should be minimal. Bedside lamps may be kept at a low level at night or on cloudy days. I might be transitioning, but that doesn’t mean I want to live in a coffin prematurely.
Pain Management
Unless I am in excruciating pain due to my illness, I would prefer low levels of pain medication to keep me comfortable yet conscious. I am not seeking suffering, but I want to maintain as much awareness as I can during this significant life transition. As someone who strongly subscribes to Buddhist beliefs, this is a rare and profound opportunity for me to glimpse into the true nature of my mind. Buddhism teaches that this moment holds the potential for enlightenment, a precious opportunity that exists for only an instant. If that were true, I don’t want to be sedated by morphine while this one-in-a-lifetime opportunity flashes by.
Spiritual and Buddhist Rituals
It is evident that I live by Buddhist principles. Hence, the vigil sitting rituals align with Buddhist beliefs. One book I hold sacred is Bardo Thodol, commonly known as The Tibetan Book of The Dead. It contains an elaborate set of prayers and sacred texts for various dying stages and the journey of the soul. It is my wish that someone read these prayers and sacred texts to me as I progress through the stages.
Final moments:
Bardo Thodol describes the stages of physical dissolution as follows:
- A feeling of sinking, where any movement becomes difficult.
- A feeling of dryness in the mouth.
- A drop in body temperature.
- Difficulty and irregularity in breathing.
As these signs progress, I wish for someone to gently whisper to my ear the six prayers and instructional text for the Death Bardo (documented in my private document to my family).
Final breath:
The 30 minutes after my final breath is the most precious time window in the dying process from a Buddhist point of view. I would like someone to continually whisper the sacred text of Death Bardo to my ear for an hour. If it’s too much burden for one person, I encourage a small rotation of 2-3 people to take turns reading.
Bardo Thodol instructions continue for 49 days after death. Since this document is focused on vigil sitting, I will save further rituals for the next installment “Post Death Care and Rituals”. If you wish to learn more about Bardo Thodol, I recommend the English translations by Chogyam Trungpa, Walter Evans-Wentz, and Robert Thurman (I read this version). For a more modern interpretation, which is also more practical, I also recommend Peaceful Death, Joyful Rebirth.
Ideally I hope my Buddhist teacher and friends will gather by my bedside during this sacred transition. I trust wholeheartedly that they would do the right thing by me. However, in the unforeseen event where they can’t be there, the above instructions can be executed by any member of my family or friends. Sincerity and loving compassion is key in reading these prayers and texts, and no prior experience is required.
Do not touch my feet:
OK, I know how this sounds. Especially as a Chinese person who really enjoys reflexology, it is inconceivable that I would have this demand. However, from a Buddhist point of view, it is believed that touching the body draws one’s consciousness to that area. If the consciousness exits through the lower half of the body, it may be drawn to lower, undesirable realms. Conversely, sitting near the head and shoulders and gently touching the crown can help guide the consciousness to exit through the top of the body, leading to higher, heavenly realms. So, please don’t touch my lower half of the body, please sit by my shoulder or head area, and place some sacred objects near the top of my head for good measure. Thank you!
Guest List and Visitor Rules
- Immediate family: My husband, sons, and grandchildren. My sons and grandchildren’s partners are to be determined.
- Buddhist community: My teacher and friends (a name list will be prepared when the time approaches).
Guests are welcome to congregate and interact in the living room, but the volume should be kept low. Inside my “goodbye” room, I prefer no more than two visitors at a time. They are welcome to simply sit with me, and silence is appreciated. Better yet, I would invite them to meditate while visiting me, and if they wish to communicate, they may do so through meditative prayers. Positive vibes only and funny stories welcome! For my Buddhist friends, I would hope that they perform Tonglen meditation on my behalf.
Refreshments
I know it will be hard, but I humbly ask that my dear loved ones maintain a vegetarian diet during this time and minimize alcohol consumption. If they must eat meat, please do so outside of the house and whisper “Om Mani Padme Hum” before consumption. This might sound trivial to non-Buddhists, but during this life transition, positive and negative acts profoundly impact the dying person’s perception, especially among those closely connected to them. So I am deeply grateful if all my dear loved ones can perform this one kind act for me.
Caregiver Rotation
I will strive to take as little time as possible to complete this life transition, as I’m curious to explore existence beyond this physical body. However, for countless reasons, if I take longer than expected, please arrange a rotation schedule in order to reduce the burden on any one particular person. One request, if possible, is that I always have one Buddhist friend available to read the Bardo Thodol to me. If that is not feasible, then please play the recorded prayer on low volume.
Conclusion
As I near the end of my journey, my deepest wish is for my final moments to be filled with love, presence, and the rituals that have guided me throughout life. Whether you are whispering sacred texts, sharing quiet companionship, or simply holding space, know that your kindness means everything to me. This plan reflects my values, my beliefs, and my personality—quirks included.
I hope that in witnessing my transition, you find comfort in knowing that death is not an end, but a transformation. And if you ever feel a soft breeze on a quiet evening, well… maybe I’m just saying hello. Or maybe it’s just the weather. You decide.
A Final Thought
I grappled with how openly to express my Buddhist beliefs in this plan, as I want to make my end-of-life plan widely applicable. Then it dawned on me that it wouldn’t be my plan without thoroughly incorporating rituals and beliefs that I have held near and dear to my heart. They have profoundly transformed my life positively. I encourage you to do the same in creating your own plan – honor the rituals and values that resonate most deeply with you so that your final wishes reflect the life you have lived and the legacy you wish to leave behind.
